Monthly Archives: October 2009
10. “This is Love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” -Rumi
It’s officially Friday night, the ease and tranquility that comes from the thought that there will be no need to get up and lug myself to and fro from lecture to lecture, lab to lab, makes me feel like I can do anything, even get on the difficult task of getting started on my work as early as in a couple of hours. Some university students bail on their books on nights like this one to enjoy festivities like a party or a music concert or they simply just “chill” the night away.
It’s merely a decision now. Do I lounge about, catch up on my personal reading and call up a friend, or do I begin tackling the case study write up, the numerous pages of biology and chemistry readings I must get done and understand, the ever present and new physics concepts to review and its respective homework? It’s all very overwhelming since my school work is far more complicated and more time consuming then the description stated above. So I decide I must write and think it out. I am here, present, and awake though slightly groggy from the pasta and fish dinner I just greedily consumed.
I sit now with a cup of Earl Grey tea to help settle my stomach listening to the kitchen clock tick and tock its life away. I realize I, too, am wasting away, just like this thing which has no emotion, no reasoning abilities, no thought.
As little minutes add up over the years you begin to see the appearance of those lines that you got those fun summer days you spent with loved ones or alone, you see the bluish, dark hallows under your eyes from the nights you stayed up far too long, you see the work and sweat you’ve done from the coarseness felt in your hands, you feel the miles you’ve walked, ran and jumped in the thick veins on the tops of your feet etched out deep, you see your toenails have lost a lot of resilience and have yellowed. You feel your problems, memories and achievements have been gaining weight and your back screams its aches.
Life is just so unpredictable. You feel as though time does not go fast enough at moments when you want something to end or vehemently want something to begin then suddenly you find yourself racing. It’s all the same time though. Time has been accurate, even and continuous since before you and I ever existed and will do so when you and I are but, “shadows and dust”. It’s been the most constant thing and the most dependable idea. It may never end.
I was once asked if life was worth living. I said yes, I think it’s important to use the time we have been given to do exactly what is called upon us, which is to live. Then I was posed with another question, “would you rather live the life by wasting away or by wearing away?”. I was taken aback. I didn’t know there was such an idea. Living life does not mean just living in the world, it means being out in it and experiencing things, making those lines upon your face deeper from sun, making the blood flow thicker widening those veins, expanding your lungs to its ultimate measure!
I regret a lot of my actions from the last 6 months and I realized tonight that the more I think and harbor questions that may never be answered, I am wasting away my opportunity to make up for lost time, make up for lost actions, repent for those actions that I made and now regret. I never knew I could “grow up” so fast from such simple things as romance and love. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is unpredictable and it’s useless, sometimes, to try to plan such things as when to fall in love, when to marry, when to have kids, when to stop eating meat or even when to start eating meat again. We put ourselves in positions that make us question our character, make us question our beliefs, make us question our entire being and existence, but the time we are given after we have thought the questions, made the accusations, found a scapegoat, is the crucial time; this is the turning point. At this point you will either question forever more and stay in a spot where the wheels stop turning and you live a life in a constant fog, always wondering what if, or you move on from the unanswerable questions and hope and pray that it was at least worth the experience, the stop-and-think-about-your-life-pursuit trigger, the I deserve better trigger or the I want better things trigger.
This is what I make of my life thus far. Beginning my third year as undergraduate student at Davis, I have reached this critical point and I believe that this journey to overcome personal struggle and change my life by myself is going to be a long one and the sooner I join the other side, the better outlook on life I will have.
I never said stepping into and making the crucial point adjustment was as easy as stepping over a muddy puddle and, wham, you’re done, you can move on, oh, no, no no! I believe it’s more like trying to cross a busy street; you step out and suddenly a big car jumps out of nowhere and you rush back, frightened and alone again, but then when it’s gone you feel a bit relaxed and you take your time to you stretch your neck out again and see if it’s okay to try to cross; you do so. As you have reached almost the middle of the intersection, a biker pops up and you’re confused and alone in the middle of the transition. You ask, “do I let him pass or do I jump in front and make my way?” Eventually, with persistent adherence you’ll re-cross with more confidence each time and sooner or later you’ll make the car stop for you and the biker will slow down and let you pass. It’s hard and I know it. The cheery thing about this whole situation is that I and you or who ever may read this, have reached the point where we can cross!
Life is also so simple in some ways, though arguably much more unpredictable. It’s kind of fascinating to see what unravels when life turns us upside down and inside out. It really shows your persistence, your adherence to stick, your love, your hate, your hope and your resolutions.
I resolve to never let anyone hurt me again. No matter how much I may trust them.
So, it’s been a tough week. I guess it’s been a while since my last update and I hope a bit more cheerful. (Who is so content to happy most of their time? Though, I admire people like that. They seem to make light of such situations that would normally cause white hairs upon my head. I believe those types of people will live longer lives than I will. Good for them.)
I need to study for my physics quiz, I’m waiting for my clothing/sheets to dry and I have an incessant need to blog in the midst of a crucial two hours that are still young in comparison to how late I will be staying up to get sufficient study time in.
It’s about 11:30pm, I’m a bit tired from physics discussion/lab, my case study is bailing on our interview tomorrow, I have to seriously get work done on this case study by Monday, and I have yet to conduct the interview…I think I shall start panicking.
A good friend of mine, whom I shall call Red (because of his reddish hair, lol) always refers to people as he or she is a “Good Man”. I was thinking about it all day.
It seems that although people aren’t generally good or sincere, he still hopes and believes that they are. What I’m puzzled about is faith in humanity Red has. I seem to have lost that somewhere in the midst of the last two years at Davis. I always thought “hey that person or so and so are just having a bad day, that’s why they cut me off while biking or that’s why they’re taking forver to decide on what to order and I left it like that and walked away”.
As the disturbances increased over the years, the more bitter and disgusted I became with the human race and the folly of convening to live a life and just being so damn regulated by the bells and whistles of the future in terms of getting ahead and acheiving the BS, MD or PhD status by stepping on others, getting the job over someone else, getting the A, making the team, getting the fellowhship, or what not. I guess what I’m trying to say is that Red has helped encourage the regrowth of the human connection of sincerity in daily events, ease in interaction and generally a more hopeful, not so tragic outlook on life and the demise of humanity in humans. He shows that not all people are that bad. There’s bad in us all, I shouldn’t be so critical or too fast to pass judgment, or too eager to dismiss. I am and have become a fast paced scanner of those whom I wish to consort with and those whom I decide never to even look at. Why and how I became so protective of myself can only be judged and gauged by me and the scenes my eyes have seen, the words my ears have listened to, the fragrances my nose has smelled and the things my hands have touched.
I am judging and being critical of myself and it’s here that I publicly ridicule my own stupid nature. Tis’ the beauty of being human, not being an ape or lower animal. Reason, shame and thought are the tools of a growing and civilized community and I am just beginning to see.
“A chief event of life is the day in which we have encountered a mind that startled us.(-RW Emerson)”
When I cry, the days just seem to get longer and more drawn out. When all I want to do is sleep and stay asleep, I just can’t seem to become tired enough to reach my comfortable slumber. There are days when the dead, cowardly feelings I have silence their own slumber and awaken the catastrophe that I conceal from myself.
Sadness, depression, loss, or whatever you want to call it, I know people feel it everyday. Whether it be about a loss of a family member, a bad grade, a lover whose gone away, a bad haircut or what not.
What I am talking of is the idea of having feelings. No one can understand you no matter how close you are to your most understanding family, friend or lover. It’s just something they cannot feel or begin to imagine to feel. It’s your thoughts mixed with your feelings mixed in with your doubts, ideas, truths, lies, love and hate that make it your own feeling. No two people may feel the same sadness, how can anyone say so?
People may subject your feelings or others feelings in categories of big, comprehensive chucks like sadness, happiness, confusion, hate and love, but I feel like these feelings you and only you can feel. Know one on this planet knows what your love feels like when it’s in your heart, or what your sadness can feel like aching in a dull drone at the pit of your stomach, or the anxious anger at seeing your love walk past you on the street.
To try to talk to someone and tell them how much you adore and love them for being who they are, they simply cannot fully comprehend, but merely relate really well and have a sort-of understanding. For the truth and sincerity in your own statement is yours to judge and to gauge.
Life is mysterious is providing scenes and sights to think upon and providing time to render our thoughts to establish a certain utopia of what we want our lives to be like.
I was perusing the shelves at Borders today around 6pm. My intentions were to buy four albums that I carefully chose half an hour earlier. My newly restored computer, you see, has no existing memory of my itunes library. Two and a half years of personal growth, history, love and loss gone never to be seen in that order, in that shuffle ever again.
Loss is a feeling I, ironically, dwell and think upon quite regularly. It’s been the most constant thing in my life, next to the volumes of Austen’s lovely novels, Emerson dependable essays and Theroux’s travels to old Patagonia.
Loss of a person, is the loss of yourself, which can be deemed as never having been yourself, or not ever knowing who yourself really was. I hope this makes some sense to those outside my own brain. 🙂
Why do I read nihilist Nietzche when I disagree with him so? Why do I dwell in Longbourne, when my heart craves to be in Pemberley? Why do I read poetry of loss and longing of two souls who have parted when true love has never existed in my own life? How can I ever repeat the emotional words of Hafez or Rumi when my own soul has not reached spiritual nirvana or met with the height of religious fervor I crave to attain? Why am I so broken and so pieced up? Loss is something I can’t seem to find, something that is triggered in the midst of sanity and happiness. I don’t know what it is I have lost. I just have the feeling of it. You cannot know what it means to feel my loss, it is mine to feel and yours to relate to.
To whomever may read this, life is a pursuit and I believed this wholeheartedly. I believed if i loved hard enough, spoke well enough, tried to please, tried to be the best person, studied and improved myself and my brain and became the most loving friend, sister, daughter, then my Secret would stay. My Secret didn’t want me in the end. My determination and hard work ethic to try to hold on to what was slipping out of my grip so rapidly, was futile, it was fucking futile. The more I tried, the more I killed. I couldn’t understand the reaction, couldn’t understand the reasoning, couldn’t understand what I was thinking. Why was I so easily fooled? Why was I so easily influenced when all my life I had been running, avoiding and refusing love from people whom I knew would undoubtedly use and excuse me?
Life is a lesson and we must learn, I heard someone say once.
It’s better to experience heartbreak than to never feel love at all, I heard another say.
If you lived through it, then you’ve come out stronger, I heard him say.
Now you really know what you want, I heard her say.
I heard someone else say that it (whatever you want it to be, love, loss or heartache) is like a broken mirror and that sometimes it’s just easier to leave it broken and walk away then try to hurt yourself trying to fix it.
I told myself that Romantic Poetry was a farce and that true love, even in it’s purest form does not and simply cannot not exist in my time. Lord Byron was my once lover, a constant companion under my pillow and I dismissed his poetry so easily when I got bruised. I dismissed the idea that maybe one day my own Mr. Darcy would appear, I renounced my own idealism of youthful and pure love as simple and stupid naivete, my Siddartha-like thirst for meaning and knowledge I deemed too unrealistic and came down from the fluffy white cloud of dreams and high thought that one day I could change the world.I return, abashed, yet I pick up my Byron book, I flip through the marked pages of essays by Emerson, I sit and I read, read, read. I read for the lost time, I read for the happiness it once brought me, I read for the idealism I miss so much, I read to gain the self I once proclaimed unstoppable and untouchable. I am travelling through a long narrow cave, I can see the light, yet I am so scathed and pining for fresh air that I must rest here in the middle of coming out and rest and I shall read.Lord Byron’s Remind Me Not, Remind Me Not
Remind me not, remind me not,
Of those beloved, those vanish’d hours,
When all my soul was given to thee;
Hours that may never be forgot,
Till Time unnerves our vital powers,
And thou and I shall cease to be.
Can I forget—canst thou forget,
When playing with thy golden hair,
How quick thy fluttering heart did move?
Oh! by my soul, I see thee yet,
With eyes so languid, breast so fair,
And lips, though silent, breathing love.
When thus reclining on my breast,
Those eyes threw back a glance so sweet,
As half reproach’d yet rais’d desire,
And still we near and nearer prest,
And still our glowing lips would meet,
As if in kisses to expire.
And then those pensive eyes would close,
And bid their lids each other seek,
Veiling the azure orbs below;
While their long lashes’ darken’d gloss
Seem’d stealing o’er thy brilliant cheek,
Like raven’s plumage smooth’d on snow.
I dreamt last night our love return’d,
And, sooth to say, that very dream
Was sweeter in its phantasy,
Than if for other hearts I burn’d,
For eyes that ne’er like thine could beam
In Rapture’s wild reality.
Then tell me not, remind me not,
Of hours which, though for ever gone,
Can still a pleasing dream restore,
Till Thou and I shall be forgot,
And senseless, as the mouldering stone
Which tells that we shall be no more.
Good afternoon on this gloriously wet and cold day my select few or single, repetitive reader(s),
Today I was packed in the J line bus at 12:55pm like a sardine. My backpack was soaked as well as my big fatty coat, my Shah’s lunch was getting colder by the passing minute and the girl SITTING behind me kept knocking my backpack out of her fucking way, like I was purposely close and wanted to put my large-and-in-charge book bag in her face. Sometimes some people’s stupidity really is so profound, I may have to write a paper on it.
After I ended lab at 11am, I dropped off my biology homework and doctors note to my TA and as I entered the cave like room at Young Hall, I realized she couldn’t be any drier and I couldn’t be any wetter. It was awkward and gutsy of me to walk in all rain soaked just to deliver our class assignment. Not really.
Anyways I just woke up from a nap and I fail. I fail because I could have been studying and I wasn’t even that sleepy or exhausted from the lab or the night before. I, sadly, can not legitimize why I fell asleep for two hours. Oh well, I’ll stay up tonight and get some stuff done. This is code for I’ll stay up periodically taking notes/reading while I clean my room, read books from my library, go on facebook, go on gchat, and give myself a facial. I hope this isn’t how tonight fares! hahah…it won’t I have determination and kind of two midterms to study for and I MUST ACE THEM!
In all I’ll say this, patience is a virtue and anyone who has more than me I commend you. I need and want to be more patient, I feel as student here, undergraduates in particular, race through their years here trying to fit everything they want to do to make college the experience to remember sometimes we rush past the lost freshmen and go on with our lives because we feel we need to get our shit done and who cares for the wide-eyed freshmen holding a giant school map? Well, evidently I don’t either.
I was rushing to get to my biology class which is uncomfortably back to back with my chemistry lecture, but completely opposite rooms on campus. I get confronted this scenario, I see a freshmen girl, big map, open-gaped mouth to the right-half of the sidewalk, oncoming student traffic to her left and a giant, menacing and infinitely deep puddle to her right. What do you do, right? Simple ask if there is anything you could help this freshmen with and maybe coax her to move and talk with you while oncoming traffic is still being…oncoming? Anyways lo and behold my decision making skills have been blurred by my incessant need to get to class early, get to class early, get to class EARLY. I choose to walk through the puddle and hope that it don’t be too bad. I am ankle deep in mud and dark water. I look down with one foot in and say, outloud, dammit. The freshmen girl looks up and smiles awkwardly and moves forward. I am stuck with one foot and the humiliation of being an impatient bastard who had lost all sense of people-dom (…?) . I sat in bio lecture sloshing my wet foot up and down my slip-on shoes. I sat in biology lecture with one wet foot, but with a big smile on my face. It was due to the fact that I was physically told that I need to sharpen my patience and be on my way, but keep others who need help in my heart too. It was a simple gesture that will be with me for many years to come.
I’ve been reading Fountainhead by Ayn Rand and thus far, from the 100 or so pages of the giant book I’ve read, I know it will be one of my favorite books…ever. It’s getting up there with Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice.
I can’t believe I don’t feel deeply emotional, expository or even deeply depressed to the point where I write about life being not lively, but a dead hollow we’ll all leave in the end anyways. I can say even though the flu has taken hold of me, I still feel last week was a success and this week will be too. I hope I can muster enough enthusiasm to ace both my exams, iA.
Oh my Lord, I am indeed needy of whatever good you may send to me. Surah Qassas.
Oh Allah! I seek refuge in You from grief and sadness, from weakness and laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from being overcome by debt, and from being overpowered by men (other people). Sahih Al-Bukhari.
I shall begin my long road trip to acing my exams now, so long and good day!
I guess it’s time for a new post, an update, a joke.
This past weekend was an unpleasant blur I hope not to repeat, but at the same time things looked up as well. I spent most of my Saturday mornin and afternoon driving through the God-awful traffic to San Francisco to site see and make fun memories with my buddies, P and J. It turned out to be a nightmare when plans changed and we spent time at the LoveFest. What I found to be, not a tribute to awesome trance music, but to this societies need of open love and interaction with really no judgement, inhibition or fear. I was traumatized, scarred and now ready to say no more to raves that masquerade as “music festivals”.
So after the experience of completely shedding any form or credible protozoa-sized hope and.or faith I have in American society, we returned to the uneventful city of Davis to eat some leftovers, I think. I can’t even remember.
The next day I woke up around 11am to find dirty laundry piling up, a cereal bowl crusting away and a fly that buzzed for its DEATH; *Good Lord, please dont’ have let that poor fly feel the pain I inflicted in the midst of an angry arousal from bed 🙂 *
I loaded up the laundry in the hamper properly, sinced I missed two shirts and a pair of jeans worth earlier in the week. I scrubbed the shit out of the cereal bowl, brushed away the weeks worth of erasure shavings from my black desk, fluffed up my bed pillows, organized my books, re-height-organized my book collection to complement the new books I had bought earlier in the week, dusted off the CD’s from atop my three-drawer organizer and put them away. In addition to cleaning up my desk, I made a promise to myself to never let myself become compromised again. I just have to be stronger and more determined, just like when I need to improve my grades, I simply need to study the laws of my religion, adhere to them, and most importantly, be more fucking adament in my beliefs, especially its guidelines of living life.
Today was Monday morning, the start of a brand new week, a brand new slate. I woke up at 8:00am, realized I forgot to do my Pre-Lab for biology and only had thirty mins to do it and settled on doing it when I got back from lecture, which was around, 11am. When I did get home, I found not Pre-Lab button and had to email my TA about the “missing link” hahahahah (NERD ALERT!)
The rest of the day I spent doing my FNT or For Next Time’s or, it gets better, AKA, homework…why they insist on changing every name I do not know, but hey when you master physics concepts and laws, I think you’d want to change terminology for no good reason too, right? It’s a power trip we all should go through, kind of like a rite of passage…anyways.
I had a giant 8 hour break in between lecture and Physics Discussion/Lab. I was going to pack up after lunch and a quick nap when I got home, but lo and behold my plans changed. I cooked lunch which took an hour, I ate it which took another half hour, then I started to do my biology reading only to follow it up with physics homework that I had left for the rest of the few hours. By the end of freaking physics I was soooo thermally and bonded out I passed out for about an hour, when I woke up from the strangest dream. My mother and I were walking through our front yard and she was in front. As she walked past the wall to our left a group of 3 or 4 guys with crazy fucking masks came out and freaked me out. I don’t know what happened but my whole entire body froze and I couldn’t move to fight them or move to breathe. I started floating clockwise and they started floating counterclockwise to me. As the floatin continued, I started waking up and could see the afternoon light sighing to a dim. I was still in my dream but I could see the afternoon light from my bedroom and YET I still couldn’t move. I knew the hair on my arms, neck, legs (I wax, okay, it’s grown out a bit, don’t matter!) stood straight fucking up. I remember because never has my hair stood up so straight, it was painful to feel.
I ended up calling home and calling my brother only to find that everyone was fine and my little niece was talking up a storm, Thank God. 🙂
Physics lab was simple, yet my group members are basically mutes who make me talk about every single problem we have to present and basically dump the work on me since I have this strange and incessant need to do my work that’s assigned to me in discussion and lab, gosh!
It was a simple ending to tonight. I’m tired as hell, but can’t seem to sleep. I have an 8am lab tomorrow with a enthusiastic soccer player/TA. I still must look over lab procedure before I jump in and fall asleep, but otherwise it’s a pretty nice ending to a pretty nice day.
If you’re wondering what today’s Ipod soundtrack was, it was Korn, a CD with collected songs from many albums and IT. WAS. SO. FUCKING. SICK. I wanted to get into a brawl with anyone willing to give me a dirty look, but sadly, the nice lady working at the South Silo gave me a generous smile and held the pen out to me so that I could sign my debit receipt…..NEXT TIME THOUGH, FOR SURE! LOL.
It’s time for bed. Sweet Dreams.
And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep, and sink in good oblivion, and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created. ~D.H. Lawrence
It’s 9:29am, having just been released from physics lecture after a almost-harrowing-quiz, I come back to bed in one piece.
Having to wake up at around 8am yesterday and spending most of the day yesterday running to and from classes and labs, I was finally finished with my academic part of my day at 9:35pm with a three hour break jammed somewhere in the rush of academia life. Excited to see P and J for a nice round of friendly badminton only to be disappointed because one, my court was given away and two, the people after whom we signed up for, litteraly, TOOK FOREVER!
We decided to get smart and get out before it was all doomed. We ended up spending the rest of the night on a late night food run to Old Tea House, a boba and asian type food place at the University Mall. It was awesome to taste milk black tea again, even sweeter knowing that it was our thing to do this strange ritual of a late night food run. We packed up and left to catch the last and only bus that would take us home last night and it was a kind rest of the night…almost.
We all ended up studying our respective subjects. P subjected herself to organic chemistry, while J’s choice of poison was biology and I, physics. Seldom have we actually studied like last night. It was as if something clicked and we were all on the same study-track, where all we wanted and needed to do was study but be around each other’s company whilst this phenomena was occuring.
I went to bed at 3:00am trying to cram all the information I had attained from lab that night only to be rudely awakened by my internal clock at 5:26am. I couldn’t sleep for fear of oversleeping, fear of the approaching quiz and fear of missing the bus…like that’s even a fear worth having at 5:26 in the morning, right?
I stayed in a drowsy/semi-alert stage of wakefulness until 6 when I decided I should get ready for the day to come. It took me an usually long time brushing my teeth and deciding if I wanted to ear earrings today; negative, I had more important things to think about. All the while getting ready, I repeated Ethermal, Ebond, mass, mCpdeltaT, deltamdeltaT…basically to insanity. When I sat down in the large lecture hall, I looked around to see people fidgeting through papers and talking to the next drowsy student over. I grabbed my review notes and began to re-memorize everything I could see. It wasn’t until my professor began the class with, “we’re going over exactly what you’ll need to know for this quiz” that I calmed down a bit and decided I should gage my knowledge. As she began to go over homework problems, I could tell I had been properly tutored by P and J both. I was indebted to them rather than my TA from lab the night before simply because terminology was, indeed, important and I disregarded it during lab section. It took almost an hour to go over two and a half problems from the homework, but I felt good by the end of it. It was two questions pertaining to why such and such diagram was correct, which were incorrect based upon a small paragraph of information.
In all, having been one of the last to finish, I feel okay about this first quiz. I’m not the best at physics…that I blame my high school physics teacher because she was never, ever in class…I remember more lines from the movie, The Animal, than laws of physics, all because of the damn substitutes she brought in.
In all it has been a nice morning, I feel like I should crash, but my body aches from the heavy work outs I’ve been subjecting myself to. So, I still have one more lab to attend today, it’s biology. It should be fine…hopefully.
Paramore, not afraid to say I like them, especially since they sing my favorite band’s new single, KOL…USE SOMEBODY!!!!