10. “This is Love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” -Rumi
It’s officially Friday night, the ease and tranquility that comes from the thought that there will be no need to get up and lug myself to and fro from lecture to lecture, lab to lab, makes me feel like I can do anything, even get on the difficult task of getting started on my work as early as in a couple of hours. Some university students bail on their books on nights like this one to enjoy festivities like a party or a music concert or they simply just “chill” the night away.
It’s merely a decision now. Do I lounge about, catch up on my personal reading and call up a friend, or do I begin tackling the case study write up, the numerous pages of biology and chemistry readings I must get done and understand, the ever present and new physics concepts to review and its respective homework? It’s all very overwhelming since my school work is far more complicated and more time consuming then the description stated above. So I decide I must write and think it out. I am here, present, and awake though slightly groggy from the pasta and fish dinner I just greedily consumed.
I sit now with a cup of Earl Grey tea to help settle my stomach listening to the kitchen clock tick and tock its life away. I realize I, too, am wasting away, just like this thing which has no emotion, no reasoning abilities, no thought.
As little minutes add up over the years you begin to see the appearance of those lines that you got those fun summer days you spent with loved ones or alone, you see the bluish, dark hallows under your eyes from the nights you stayed up far too long, you see the work and sweat you’ve done from the coarseness felt in your hands, you feel the miles you’ve walked, ran and jumped in the thick veins on the tops of your feet etched out deep, you see your toenails have lost a lot of resilience and have yellowed. You feel your problems, memories and achievements have been gaining weight and your back screams its aches.
Life is just so unpredictable. You feel as though time does not go fast enough at moments when you want something to end or vehemently want something to begin then suddenly you find yourself racing. It’s all the same time though. Time has been accurate, even and continuous since before you and I ever existed and will do so when you and I are but, “shadows and dust”. It’s been the most constant thing and the most dependable idea. It may never end.
I was once asked if life was worth living. I said yes, I think it’s important to use the time we have been given to do exactly what is called upon us, which is to live. Then I was posed with another question, “would you rather live the life by wasting away or by wearing away?”. I was taken aback. I didn’t know there was such an idea. Living life does not mean just living in the world, it means being out in it and experiencing things, making those lines upon your face deeper from sun, making the blood flow thicker widening those veins, expanding your lungs to its ultimate measure!
I regret a lot of my actions from the last 6 months and I realized tonight that the more I think and harbor questions that may never be answered, I am wasting away my opportunity to make up for lost time, make up for lost actions, repent for those actions that I made and now regret. I never knew I could “grow up” so fast from such simple things as romance and love. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is unpredictable and it’s useless, sometimes, to try to plan such things as when to fall in love, when to marry, when to have kids, when to stop eating meat or even when to start eating meat again. We put ourselves in positions that make us question our character, make us question our beliefs, make us question our entire being and existence, but the time we are given after we have thought the questions, made the accusations, found a scapegoat, is the crucial time; this is the turning point. At this point you will either question forever more and stay in a spot where the wheels stop turning and you live a life in a constant fog, always wondering what if, or you move on from the unanswerable questions and hope and pray that it was at least worth the experience, the stop-and-think-about-your-life-pursuit trigger, the I deserve better trigger or the I want better things trigger.
This is what I make of my life thus far. Beginning my third year as undergraduate student at Davis, I have reached this critical point and I believe that this journey to overcome personal struggle and change my life by myself is going to be a long one and the sooner I join the other side, the better outlook on life I will have.
I never said stepping into and making the crucial point adjustment was as easy as stepping over a muddy puddle and, wham, you’re done, you can move on, oh, no, no no! I believe it’s more like trying to cross a busy street; you step out and suddenly a big car jumps out of nowhere and you rush back, frightened and alone again, but then when it’s gone you feel a bit relaxed and you take your time to you stretch your neck out again and see if it’s okay to try to cross; you do so. As you have reached almost the middle of the intersection, a biker pops up and you’re confused and alone in the middle of the transition. You ask, “do I let him pass or do I jump in front and make my way?” Eventually, with persistent adherence you’ll re-cross with more confidence each time and sooner or later you’ll make the car stop for you and the biker will slow down and let you pass. It’s hard and I know it. The cheery thing about this whole situation is that I and you or who ever may read this, have reached the point where we can cross!
Life is also so simple in some ways, though arguably much more unpredictable. It’s kind of fascinating to see what unravels when life turns us upside down and inside out. It really shows your persistence, your adherence to stick, your love, your hate, your hope and your resolutions.
I resolve to never let anyone hurt me again. No matter how much I may trust them.