11. Lord, I’m going to hold steady on to You and You’ve got to see me through. -Harriet Tubman
Today has been a day of repeated log ins and log outs of the Firefox internet engine on my desktop. I “x” out of it entirely only to reawaken it 20 mins later. I see the same ugly picture of Jennifer Lopez and her ex with the same annoying, blaring title, “J.Lo Threatens her Ex’s Movie”…I mean, really? Come on, people! It’s just another example of the world becoming more stupid. I wish we had more headlines about writers, great thinkers, philosophers, artists, people who, through their simple inventions changed the world…SOMETHING along those lines, but I think the drama between Kristen Stewart and Robert Dumbass Pattinson will continue to be a prolific and expansive story which will only come to an end when she gets pregnant with someone else’s baby or when she gains weight and turns out to be a lesbian…then again this may sound like interesting drama unfolding to many mindless people…even you.
Why so crucial this afternoon of the simple stupidities and frivolities that are eating up America, you ask? I really have no substantial philosophical conjecture to pronounce, but that I have this strange need to check up or update something and it turns out I’m mentally, physically and emotionally connected to my Facebook; I deactivated it a couple of days ago, just to see what would happen to me. I, too, have been consumed by the fad of what is electronic friendships; byte by byte it has consumed much of me.
Thank God I cut the cord at least. I have become wholly dependent upon it to “tweet” my thoughts, “tweet” my daily calamities, “tweet” my present situation, “tweet” my hunger, anything really. When I updated so frequently, I felt like people actually read it, just like this blog, which no one really does, but I pretend that someone does, anywhere in this wide, wide world.
At any rate, I am no longer connected or affiliated with Facebook…at the moment and we shall see how long it is before I break the deactivation mode. Part of me hopes it sustains until I gradute and by then, I’ll be too much of a grown up to bother to reactivate it.
In the mean time though I am still here blogging. (I blog therefore I am?) I guess part of the reason I blog is to keep my writing up, though poorly constructed and not at all coherent nor complete, but it’s writing and it is my own in any sense.
The last two weeks felt like I have been in a dungeon filled with assignments, a cage of immense problem solving, a stifling small closet of reading on terms, theories and ideas that are not my own, though I must render them in my head and heart as though they were. I feel like I lose part of my life as soon as the other parts function well and are growing. Like picking up too many little pieces only to go back and pick up the ones that fell in lieu of picking up the others, a continuous and vicious cycle.
I don’t know how this will ever be mended, but I fear it will follow me for many years to come; it’s a trail of people pieces, emotional pieces, physical pieces and thought pieces; oh the thought pieces, how they litter my floor!
Literary Update, Currently Reading :
*Emerson, Essential Works of,
*Wharton, Ethan Frome
Both are so enthralling and good, I plan my day and night around reading at least maybe one page before I settle in and fall asleep. I wish I could sit and have a cup of coffee with Ralph Waldo Emerson. His writings are just amazing. His observations are simple yet speak volumes about the fragility of human nature, about the ease and comfort of living solitude or living in the spotlight, but that the true ovbserver and one who gets the most of it, is the person that concedes to be in the scene, follow his/her own path and not be afraid to say or do what must be done whilst in the midst of banal commonality, strict social decorum or in the ever changing socio-sexual conditions of today’s society. I never knew I would feel such sadness about someone’s death then I do Emerson’s. I cry for the loss of never being about to speak with him, never being about to ask him questions about his work, never being about to laugh alongside his cunning and deeply spiritual mind, never being in the same time as he, never breathing the air under the same clouds as he.
I feel like a loss of immense proportions have taken hold, for many writers that I think of now, who have shown me to look at the world with an intelligent, questioning, irrefutably open and welcoming eyes, I will never be able to sit and comment with them. I will never have my copy signed by their hands, never will our eyes meet. This is indeed a sad day.
So, forget all the riff-raff of the fast and hard Hollywood life. Forget Jennifer Aniston’s struggle to find love when it was under her nose all along, forget Rihanna’s lack of justice toward female rights when she didn’t press charges against the animal some people call, Chris Brown, forget the “accidentally leaked” sex tapes of Paris and Kim, forget the sex vixen Megan Fox who shows more and more skin to hide that she has less and less of a mind, forget the momentary humanitarian dynamic duos of Jolie & Pitt, forget the fleeting political lobbyist Scarlett Johannsen…it’s all a fad that will die. It’s never going to last for them, it’ll fade and they, like fleas will just jump to the next big thing. They may get the air time, but who are we being taught about in school? Rihanna or Harriet Tubman? Paris or Amelia Earhart ? Scarlett or Hillary? (Groundbreaking shouldn’t refer to the newest Transformers movie.)
I do not ever want to delve into the pitiful standards of life as a conventional 20 year old university student. To drink, be merry, lose sight of good good people and strong friendships to those who are fake, popular and fun in the moment may be suitable for some, but I crave more and I will endeavor to quench that thirst, if it means weeding certain aspects out, then so be it, for the loss is not a loss, but a change toward the Heavenly good.