13. Engulfed in a Mess.
Wednesday 12:34am. I’m not exhausted, though roughly handled by Studying and Cramming. I feel like there is so much I need to cover, yet I frequently become consumed by other activities. I am only writing this with a clear conscience because I am currently eating my, oh too regular, pasta dinner and need to take a serious break and calm myself.
Stress from the annoyance of getting things done on someone else’s time, from trying to do my utmost best to prepare for each exam that I will sit behind and face and from trying to focus my mind and my body into one activity and prevent automatic multitasking is eating me alive.
Sunday night was stressful. With a Physics exam looming the following day and other personal matters to clear up, Arguing and Fighting stood at my door, knocking, clanging and bellowing profanities to be let in. As the night crept quietly past Arguing, Fighting and I, I cried for every passing moment that I couldn’t get through to them and every passing moment less I had the ability to prepare for my exam, my life.
Arguments come and go, fights arise and become feeble, anger gushes forth and always eases. What doesn’t always leave are the words that cut the heart, the words that soil the ground, the words that coast in the air for months.
I resolve to let this, too, go. I guess it’s difficult to understand without being told exactly the circumstances, but let this be known. I tried to be the adult, I tried to be honest, I tried to explain my rationale, yet still, the immovable will never me moved, if the force pushing or pulling at the object is less than the mass (or in this case, resolve) of the object, there is no way to accomplish a change in energy, a change of the waters, a change in anything.
I admit I must have been more emotional than normal, but that was due to the fact that I sincerely wanted to get an A on the physics final; I knew that if I just studied I could reach the peak and claim it. Unlike other finals in which Hope is a large part of, this one time, this one exam I felt like I could attain A status without hoping for it because I believe it was in my mental capacity.
All in all, to let go means to let go, and I have.
Upcoming break will be much needed. I plan on having many, many resolutions that, I hope, will be accomplished each in their due time.
More to come after my last final, on Thursday.
Await my call, dear one.
Goodnight and Good Luck.