16. “What’s the point of holding onto what never gets used?”

So here it is.

Listen to this.

Death Cab for Cutie’s                                    Your New Twin Sized Bed.

On loop for years. From young to now, I’ve listened to this album.

I know what it is to love…I love this band

With a fervor of youthful, pure innocence and a faithful loyalty one can only begin to imagine;

defend I will, this band, with all of me…

I grew up in high school, listening to random bands from all over the country and, in particular, Death Cab; listening to these artist’s words and becoming like a vine grown thick and out of control upon the words and chords of the songs. This attachment I can say is strongest, now, than ever.

The emotions I most connected to and still do, are from the stories of boys and girls that are laced with hidden heartbreak, secluded thoughts, breaths of cold air and no sunlight in times and places where love, beauty and fate are supposed to be abundant and encouraging. The languid strums of the guitar, the beat of the footstep, the vibrating “shimmys” of the electric keyboard reverberate in my body like I am the instruments themselves.

In retrospect, a piece of me lost, this music fills the spot for now…but that’s another story.

I listened to this song as if it was new to the world, his voice like a man’s I have never heard before today. As I walked back towards my bike, parked, ready and faithful,  the chilled Davis wind that grabs around your legs, chest and neck was my companion as I rode back to campus from the humid greenhouse; the wind heavy and my legs were weary.

I heard the line, “what’s the point of holding onto what never gets used?” My stomach dropped. Why? It was an epiphany many would love to break down and argue against; these are the resilient ones. I can’t.

Bitter realization, safety mechanisms and fear prevent me from feeling like there is something more than what I got that fateful day. I guess I’m just scared to feel optimistic in the face of despair and failure, I’m afraid of being let down, again. I’m scared I’m tossing it away and I don’t even realize it.

How long does it take to jump back?

“You used to think that someone would come along.
And lay beside you in the space that they belong.
But the other side of the mattress and box springs stayed like new.
What’s the point of holding onto what never gets used?”

As I biked, I held back tears, I heard myself repeating after him, “And I hope you have more luck with this than me.” I guess when you’ve looped this CD for years, it’s like you are the singer now and you have written these words to make yourself feel something you miss again and again, every time it starts up again.

This song’s beat doesn’t even need words to tell me what it’s feeling. I feel it, I know it too well.

This song is not about relationships that get broken or are lost between two people, it’s the non-existence of relationships between people in general.

If you aren’t going to try, why hold onto your heart, right?

Life is about little decisions you make every day, they eventually add up and create something, good or bad, it’s all up to single moments put together by you. What’s interesting is you never see the beast form, you see it appear before you miraculously one day and you have to take it with you on your journey of life.

This song evoked two of the strongest emotions in me, sadness and fear. A simple narrative of not a boy or even a girl, but a person tossing a piece of plastic away that, in turn, gives rise to a depth of philosophical knowledge, burning questions, confusing meanings that I can only begin to analyze. This is what good music is. It makes you question your life every single time you repeat the track.

I guess to sum this up, I can’t decide whether to just dump it or use it till it breaks…

Ad nauseam, I am confounded by the cunning and perplexing challenges of thought, decision and action.

For now,

“…And I try not to worry, but you’ve got me terrified.
It’s like we’re in some kind of hurry to say goodbye, to say goodbye, to say goodbye…”


2 responses to “16. “What’s the point of holding onto what never gets used?”

  1. Jen January 21, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    keep it the damn CD.

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