You are such a fool. Your audacity to dream about love is tenacious.Lose it, or else you will feel the deep emptiness for a long time and the lines of your face will carve deeper marks. Walk away.
I am beginning to think, sincerely, my parents and family had too much faith in me.
God has made existence magnificent,
He has made it through nonexistence.
He has concealed the sea
And exposed the foam,
Concealed the wind and displayed the dust.
The whirling dust flies like a dancer,
The wind is invisible, known only by trust,
The foam moves all about you,
But without the sea no whirling takes place.
Thought is hidden, speech is manifest.
Coming from a packed and hallow spring break I arrived incredibly late in the early morning to Davis. I dropped my bags, called home to tell them of my arrival, took a shower and went to bed.
28. I can see you, you stand atop a fallen tree and your lungs scream to the heavens, but can you feel my heart beating for you?
- I dedicate this poem to the dull throb deep in my chest. You’ve been my constant companion for many years. Where have you come from? I know nothing of you.
- I sometime sit and just listen to my room.
- It’s terribly quiet. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes it
- saves from from my own thoughts.
- I get washed up and wrapped up in the quieting things around me.
- I blink and every time I do, I see darkness and it lasts for almost forever
- then I’m back in my room, lying on my bed, my toes getting colder
- but I don’t want to move and cover them with the blanket I am laying upon.
- .N. I miss you.
- I sometimes pretend I’m in my room and you’re in my room
- We are sitting holding hands. I hear laughter, but it is never coming from us.
- I see the copy-pasted smile I superimposed on your lips.
- I pretend you are not so mean. I pretend you are not greedy for things other than me.
- I sometimes have dreams that I have run into you at the corner store,
- my stomach jumps up and down, and my blood is hot.
- I turn away
- I wake up hating myself
- and my decision of turning away because at least
- I could have seen your face, even if it was just a dream.
- Can you tie my hair back? I miss you. Please. Pretty please.
- I want to cry and hold your hands. I want you to see my sadness.
- Are you happy, I just want to know.
- At least one part of this shamble is not so bad.
- At least part of two is not as molding.
- At least some of the ugly picture has completely been erased.
- At least.
- Here comes the big leap. I hesitate, I trip because of it.
- I fall awkwardly down, down and down.
- Here comes the night to take me away.
- Here it comes, watch out!
- Here here here here here here here here here here, I blink blink blink blink blink blink blink
- How many Forevers have I gone through on this bed?
- How many Lives have I lived on this bed?
- How much Shelter have I sought?
- Of everything, what has come and gone?
- I am so sad sometimes. So incredibly, undescribably depressed.
- Days like these I sit and I listen to my room. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes it saves me from my own thoughts.
I’m in the dark typing away on my blog in my sister’s, MFA, apartment with my other sister, SA, drowsy yet excited about my night here and very dependent upon my typing skills to get me through the blog in the dark. As I sit and listen to the sirens and the random man and/or woman yell or bark commands at someone else, I sip my tea and am thankful for the warmth around me, my full stomach and my warm bed awaiting my arrival. I’ve read some blogs where the resilience of some have really astonished me and made me feel incredibly thankful of my situation.
I attended a talk at my university a couple of months back by Khalid Latif, the NYU’s chaplain. I received so much from that speech that I am still comprehending his words today. I want to email him, but I feel like all I would ask for is another speech on another aspect of my life I need sorted out through the eyes of someone else. (It’s like a fresh, religious, prospective of a, normally, secular topic). I remember that he told us to write down 3 things per day that we are thankful for. Not just, “I’m thankful for the food I ate for lunch”, or “I’m thankful for my mom”. Both legitimate responses to the prompt, but what he asked us to do was really sit and think about what exactly it was about such events that we are happy and thankful for them. I tried it once and I couldn’t get two things. I was shocked to say the least, I almost cried. How come I couldn’t find merely three things to be really, consciously thankful for?! Am I really this ungrateful?! Am I really this unhappy or, worse, unresponsive to my surrounding? Have I been numb to the life around me that I can’t simply pick three out and write at least 200 words about it and why?!
I sat stunned at myself for a moment. I looked around me as if someone would pop out and tell me what I should look for or how I should start brainstorming. Sadly, I felt that I am seriously disgusting if I can’t sincerely write this. I gave up. I feel ashamed of admitting it, but I’ve come to a conclusion that denial is not the solution-it never is. So I backed off the prompt for a while and I think tonight, though not sure why tonight of all nights I could have chosen to do this, but here it goes.
My first thing I am most grateful, eternally indebted to by God is, as cliche as this may be, family. My sister’s came for a semi-planned and unplanned visit. I was stubborn, irradic, impatient and a big, fat loser the first few days because I was jealous they were doing “fun” stuff without me while I had to study the first few days because I still have classes and a midterm to study for. Wow. How pathetic, right? Wait. There’s more. I wasn’t thankful for them driving eight hours, buying me toiletries or delivering halal meat from my parents. I felt, it right of them to do so since they had never visited. I felt they owed me in some horrible way. I am so disgusted.
Last Tuesday I have one of the worst fights with my eldest sister; it was the kind where you, had you left it alone, you could have gone ten years without talking to one another. I felt so scared, but I was still in my impatient mood because, stupidly, I still wanted to “win”. We brought up things from months and years before, things we thought we resolved, but sadly we still bring them up to cut and hurt each other with. Lest, what can you do if the one you love is there telling you how horrible you are?
We yelled our voices hoarse and my head began to pound, I’m sure she felt worse, I cut her deep and I cut her many times. I am a truly horrific person for such deeds. I deserve so much worse than the blessings I have been given. I have to wait to cry for forgiveness from God because I can’t do it in front of my sister-she’d be too kind and tell me everything is alright and that she forgives me. I am incredibly stupid and I hate myself for it. I have to figure out to make this all up for her. One day, inshallah, I will-until then I hope I carry this shame for remembrance that in the end, she still forgave me and loves me. Wow, right?! She’s amazing. I called up my other sister and she instantly forgave me, too. They understand me better than I thought. I am thankful for family for understanding me better, for paying me so much grace and patience because if it was me, I know I would not be so merciful. I learned that in life, my family is and has always been the key to my healthy progression. I have been so long without them in my immediate life that I have very much forgotten or have become numb to how special they are. I am thankful I have figured it out. I am thankful I have time to make up for my actions.
My second most thankful aspect of today’s realizations is I’m truly thankful for knowledge and a human’s ability to reason. Without these two factors, what is separating us from other animals that rely wholly on their primitive and instinctual urges to go through life? I can grow and be responsible for what I am and who I am. I can go through my life knowing all my problems are my own and all my triumphs. I can say the strength is from a power beyond me, yet my mistakes of turning down a bad road is my own obvious inability to think or my own inability to become subject to primal urges-something that we fight everyday to thwart for higher plance of being that goes beyond sex, food and shelter. We have all those things, but what most people can’t reach is a place of higher thought and sense of being that can only be found in the human mind. I am thankful for my ability to reasona nd make a decision of on my own accord and not be subject to emotional and physiological urges so blatant in animals (not that animals are bad, but simply different from us).
Lastly, people like Khalid Latif, a simple unmarried man, may bring fresh thought and new ideas to those you thought so stable and never changing. A fresh prospective is always absolutely necessary to get motivated, to change and to accomplish your “distant” goals. I admire him-for lack of a better description, he has opened my eyes to really watch and see myself and my surroundings. I have to try to practices vigilance towards a sensitivity of other people’s emotions, cares, fears, goals, triumphs and failures. We recognize that which we are similar in and that which we strive to accomplish ourselves thus increasing the connection and absolute integrated of each and every person we meet and say hello to.
I’m scared to say the least for my future behavior, I hope I do not repeat myself, I hope I do not revert to an old way of being. I want to change, now I just have to apply myself.
Life can be so tough going through multiple hoops of fire that you light for yourself, but to know God has your hands pulling you through can make anyone feel instantly better. We all can go through a lot because of ourselves, it’s important to have people, anyone to talk to.
No matter how hard you or someone else can make it for you, Life is always worth living; and that’s a fact!
After such a purge, the least I feel I can do is brush my teeth and sleep. It’s 1:19 in the morning. It’s Friday…Happy Friday.
Goodnight. I leave you with a still from one of my favorite movies, The Science of Sleep.
Dear Someone Anyone.
It’s Friday night and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Davis is so cloistered, clustered and fucking ambiguous.
I can get so caught up in the motions of my schedule, I miss to smell the grass that’s waving in the wind and this makes me sad.
I hate that I can get so caught up in my schedule, yet I want more than what’s on my plate…conundrum of conundrums. I want to be doing more, but my current status keeps me down…making me additionally more depressed about my action-less life. I feel like I need more “hands on” work and less, cellular/molecular/looking through a microscope/reading research papers type of lifestyle.
Another fix I’m in is that I love it all of research. The only thing I dislike is the limiting aspect of research in terms of the more humanistic interaction a hospital setting can provide. I think the solution lies in my acting in and part of several labs withing my lab. I need to work more in an integrated form and show my interest actively…so my boss says.
JW, my boss at the Center for Mind and Brain, is a smart person and I can see the determination and passion he has for research.
I wish my interior fervor for science reflected outwardly as much.
But all I can do is try to be more like him, more grounded and put and set things onto a priority list…MOST importantly, I MUST BEGIN TO LOVE USING MY GOOGLE CALENDAR! It’s gonna be God-send once I get a tech with internet access so I can modify my schedule more and more and on the go. KEY TERM: on the go. can’t wait for an iphone dammit.
Life’s a schedule you gotta plan to be spontaneous about. Love that conundrum, my life seems to be full of them. This blog is so incredibly rapid and vapid. I can’t think straight, my mind wanders to the trail mix sitting to my right. 🙂
A. G. R
P.S. I think I believe in Love again.
Sometimes emotions can move so much, cause so much change that by the end of it, you’ve changed in some drastic way.
I felt fine today. It felt like any regular day, but as I walked in the cold back to my apartment, I could feel my fingers getting more and more numb, in spite of this, I walked unnerved. I kept a slow pace, watching my toes peep up from my long pants as I took very long and slow strides. By the time I reached my apartment my neck was sore.
What I came upon was a simple thought, a recollection, induced by my immediate latching onto of my computer and the words FACEBOOK. From a mere photo of a boy, floods of uneasiness and sadness came upon me. My mind’s ability to become brilliantly absent minded to the past haunts the present when recollections take precedence in my immediate reality.
I can forget so well, but unexpected things can trigger the memory that can cut like a razor so quickly like the bad times were just yesterday, a turning and walking away, no sight at the airport, not a glimpse in the streets; it was all taken away as quickly as it had come.
I tried to fill the hole with someone else, something else. But no matter how much I neglect it all, I’ve slowly realized I can’t. I still hold onto something that’s been lost for almost two years now.
The mistake of trusting that someone else was humanizing, but I would rather have taken a lonelier route.
I learned something indeed. Never let those who you think are good, into your mind, your thoughts and your life, until they’ve proven it to you. Be cautious. And never mix up your thoughts or feelings, take time to calm down and figure it all out before you make irratic decisions when you’re emotional and silly.
Only a handful people on the face of this Earth would I give my last breath to. Not you. Who are you even?
This life keeps shooting me down, but the only people that bring me up, I cover in a shroud of distance and sadness.
I can’t help my hate that pours out because of the ugly of the people I surround myself with when my loved ones call and try to get to know me.
How have I grown to be so good at being so distant?
I’m living in a miserable college town. I want out.